Media: A parody
by beccaleelee
Summary: The tragic story of Medea and Jason retold by the wonderful minds of Becca and Lauren.


_**AN: My friend Lauren and I had to write this for my English class, and everyone said that this was funny, so here you are.**_

_SCENE: In front of Medea's cabin made entirely out of chewing gum. Enter Medea's nurse._

**Nurse:** That darned Argo should never have sailed to that darned land! If only Jason never met that darned Medea, she would not have killed her pappy and whatnot. Too bad she pretty much hates him now. Ever since he left her, all she does is cry and wail and moan and grieve and distress and bawl and snivel and oh! Will it ever stop! I'm a-hopin' she doesn't do anything drastic. Killing herself would be bad. But I'm just sayin'. Oh look! The kiddies!

_Enter Medea's children and their tutor_

**Tutor:** Yo! Whazzup, homie? How be the lady friend?

**Nurse:** Meh, she's still sobbing over that darned Jason for leaving her.

**Tutor:** Well I tell you, I hear that Creon king guy was gonna kick Medea out of this place. Tell no one. [_He looks around suspiciously_.]

**Nurse:** Kiddie-kins, skedaddle. Your mammy is under the influence and must stay away from you. Go on, scat!

[_Tutor guides children elsewhere. Medea is wailing in the house and can be heard outside_.]

**Medea:** I hate Jason! Confound that horrid man! He betrayed me after I betrayed my family after I betrayed my country! How dare he do such a dreadful thing! Oh, I wish I was dead. Should I put my head in an oven? Perhaps I should be eaten by a lion. No, I will settle for magical lighting to be sent down to destroy me. Zeus? Are you there? Ready for some target practice?

**Nurse:** Poor Medea. She hates her own kiddies. 'Tis a pity.

**Chorus:** Oh ye who hath bemoaned thy self, for which purpose moaneth you the departure of he who claimeth to love you most? Why should thou be saddeth? For he hath betrayed you! Be angryth, not despondent! I heard thine cry from afar and pray that it may soften and thy pain shall ease, and isn't it but a wonder that all us women can speaketh at the same timeth?

**Medea:** I WANT LIGHTNING TO SPLIT MY HEAD OPEN! Zeus!? Where are you, man?

**Chorus:** Go, o learned one in the arts of comfort, and beseech your mistress to calmeth.

[_Nurse grumbles as Medea comes outside_.]

**Medea:** I thought my husband loved me, but he has betrayed my love, after I betrayed my father's love—why must Jason follow my example? After all I did for him—moving up in society and all that. I birthed his children—and what horrible little beasts they were and are. I love them, but I would do anything to be rid of them, even _kill_ _them_. _[This last is said in a demented voice followed by an embarrassed giggle]_

**Chorus:** O, Medea, what radiance thou hast brought unto mine eyes. Alas, I realize fully why thou must avenge thyself, for a woman endures the hardest of lifestyles—we cannot goeth to battle, and must sit around looking nice all day (the horrors we doth face)!

[_Enter Creon, leader of the traveling salesmen team, followed by many an entrepreneur_.] **Creon:** So Medea, I hear there's this super fantastic land that's way, way far away from this one that you should definitely move to! It's super duper cheap, so you'll actually be able to afford it! If you don't move there, I'll be forced to kick you off of this land. You haven't paid your rent in months!

**Medea:** How do I know you won't betray me now that I've been betrayed b y my husband who made me betray my father?

**Creon:** You'll just have to trust me! How about it?

[_Creon presents documents for Medea to sign_. _Medea steps out of Creon's hearing range, which is actually not that far._]

**Medea:** Should I trust this strange man? He's the one who owns the land in which I now live, but my life here isn't really all that great. Perhaps I could pretend to go along with his plan and betray him later! I could also betray his daughter and his whole family, since he is the new father-in-law to my once beloved Jason who betrayed me! Yes, this plan is coming together nicely. I will sign the document now and vandalize his property before I get there!

[_Creon walks over to Medea_]

**Creon:** Medea, are you talking to yourself?

**Medea:** Were you eavesdropping?! How dare you! You've betrayed me yet again!

**Creon:** Yes, yes, whatever, crazy. Will you sign these documents now?

**Medea:** Only if you allow me one day to pack all my belongings before moving. I'll also need to make sure it's a good land with good schools so my good children can get a good education.

**Creon:** Sure. Yeah. Just sign it.

[_Medea reads papers thoroughly, then takes out her favorite scented, sparkly, glow-in-the-dark My Little Pony gel pen. She then laughs maniacally, which seems to freak Creon out_.]

**Medea:** [_Hissing_] Seven days!

**Creon:** Um, no, we agreed on one. Uh, goodbye…

[_Creon walks quickly off stage reeking with the scent of fear_.]

**Chorus:** O, Medea, what unfairness bringeth yon entrepreneur who claimeth he hath power to supply you with happy lifestyle in a faraway land! Hast you anything to speak against him? What say you upon the subject of thine children? One may never trusteth a lad of business. Thou can never forget what hath Creon's daughter done to you. She hath slighted you so! Jason foundeth himself entangled in her bewitching beauty. He then betrayed you, left you, for this woman of whom we now speak! How bareth you this grief of knowing what he did?

[_Enter Jason, with groupies_.]

**Jason:** Medea! Sweet thing! How's it going?

[_Jason holds his arms open for a hug. Medea glares at him coldly, her eyes glowing red_.]

**Medea:** How dare you betray me after all I did to betray all those people I loved just to be with you whom I loved until you betrayed me?!

**Jason:** No, see, you've got this all wrong! I, being the brilliant macho man that I am, thought that taking on an extra wife or six would help our family economically! And imagine all the wonderful siblings our dear children could have! Why, I bet they would all look just like me. My wives and I will name them all Jason, Jr. What fun brothers they will be for our dear sons Jasono and Jasoneto!

**Medea:** You not-a-woman! How dare you insult me?! Are you saying I'm not good enough for you? Well I tell you, you're not good enough for me! So ha! The betrayer just got betrayed!

**Jason:** Calm, my sweet darling. Why would you ever think you are not good enough for me? True as it may be, I would never try to make you feel that way.

**Medea:** I should have never left my old home to go with you! Even if it was a desolate land with no one important living there, it's much better than staying here with you!

**Jason:** How could you possibly think that living in Idaho would be better than living here in Texas? Back in Idaho, no one would know who you are, not even your father (though he's dead now, so what difference does it make?). Here, you are world famous simply by association. A friend of mine is a friend of the world!

**Medea:** You're dumb. That makes no sense.

**Jason:** You brought this whole moving ordeal upon yourself. Don't blame me for your own faults.

**Medea:** Are you implying that this is all my fault? You betrayed me! You left me! You disowned me! You spat on my grave with pride in your eyes! How could this possibly be my fault?

**Jason:** Listen, I really don't want to have this discussion now. I don't want to have trouble sleeping tonight, or else my beautiful skin won't have its usual bright radiant glow. How about I pay for the gardening at your new house? I'll even buy you some lawn ornaments. What do you say?

**Medea:** I'll see to it that you wish you had never left me for that decrepit woman!

**Jason:** _[Speaking unevenly, his lips not matching his words.] _You have insulted my family! All these problems are your fault—_I _never would have made such errors.

**Medea:** All you ever do is complain. You complain about me, you complain about the house, the children, the old guy who lives nearby who only eats chinchillas! You think I'm a curse? Wait until that old guy starts following you around asking for any spare chinchillas!

**Jason:** Well, I know you would love to hear more about how wonderful I am (after all, who wouldn't?), but I grow weary of speaking to you. Here, take this bag of money, this sack of food, this horse for you to ride, this donkey to carry your things, this puppy for the children, and be gone.

**Medea:** I may complain about how you are abandoning us without anything to keep u s alive, but I will not accept any aid you offer. I am too proud, and would rather see my children starve then give them food provided by _you_. _[Continuing under her breath] _Of course, the little demons won't be around much longer.

**Jason:** What was that?

**Medea:** Um… I said that of course, the little demonically wonderful children won't be round much longer — they will surely grow quite thin.

**Jason:** _[Looking down at Medea pompously, never noticing that the tutor stood hidden from his eyes holding a sign that said "You go, girl."] _I knew that that was what my divine ears had heard. Well, if that is the case, I will not bother offering you any more aid. Those children do need to lose some weight. They must have gotten their obesity from you; I would obviously have never had such problems in my family.

**Medea:** Get out you nasty traitor! Only I am allowed to betray people! I will kill your new family, don't you worry.

**Jason:** What was that?

**Medea:** Um… I said that I will _[turning to the side and muttering to herself]_ bill, drill, pill, mill… Oh, just leave!

_[Jason stalks out, striking poses for his imaginary fans as he goes]_

**Chorus:** Oh, dear God, I hope I never fall in love… eth. That man should diet for betraying a poor woman struck by loved.

_[Enter Aegus, a mildly insane king of Athens, who for some reason actually enjoys being in Medea company]_

**Aegus:** Hay! Isn't that word grand? I just learned it from that high prophet!

**Medea:** Hello Aegus, allow me to list off every single person that has ever been in your family! Let's see… there was Pandion, and Brandion, and Michaelus, and—

**Aegus:** Allow me to interrupt with something that those eavesdroppers over there might actually be interested in. I have just come from that woman who suffers from intoxication—no, not you. The other one.

**Medea:** And…?

**Aegus:** I asked her how I could have children.

**Medea:** Well, when a mommy and a daddy decide they love each other a _whole_ lot, they—

**Aegus:** I know that! Gods Medea, keep private topics indoors, alright?

**Medea:** You are right. _[There is an awkward silence while they each wait for the other to say something] _So… why exactly are you here?

**Aegus:** Oh! It is actually a very long and dull story. It starts with an interesting conversation I had with a passing koala, though what one of those creatures was doing here, I have no idea—

**Medea:** Yeah, I don't really care. Can I stay at your place for a while?

**Aegus:** Of course! You can sleep on the ground in front of the fire like my dog usually does! I had heard about Jason betraying you.

**Medea:** _[Shocked] _You heard about that?

**Aegus:** Oh, Medea. Everyone's talking about it—I heard it from at least twenty strangers on the road. Actually, I met this wonderful horse that seemed very interested in eating my hair, and—

**Medea:** Yeah. So, I'm gonna talk about me and my problems now, and you just listen, okay?

**Aegus:** All right! This will be interesting.

**Medea:** I plan to kill Jason, his wife, her father, my children, and anyone who gets in my way (including you).

**Aegus:** Wow, you're an ambitious woman, aren't you?

**Medea:** It's a gift.

**Aegus:** Well alright, you can stay with me until such a time as you decide to betray me like you did your father.

_[Exit Aegus, skipping and humming loudly]_

**Chorus:** Oh gods, please make sure that lunatic gets hometh quickly. We do not want him near us any longer please. Please gods, keep him20away from our homes and children.

_[Several women who have grown bored walk away talking amongst themselves animatedly] _

**Medea:** _[Laughing manically.]_ Now that I have a home for myself, I will fool Jason into believing that I am a kind woman. I will feed his _enormous_ ego, and he will fall for it, just like always. And then I will use my brats to kill the girl, and then I will kill them because mother knows best.

**Chorus:** But won't you be sadeth?

**Medea**: Of course not! Jason will be the one to suffer.

**Chorus:** _[Speaking amongst themselves] _Perhaps we should telleth someone at the loony bin that she has lost it-eth. No, that would be pointless.

**Medea:** I will make the ultimate sacrifice by killing my children. As they say all too much, it will hurt me more than it hurts them. _[Turns to the nurse who has turned into a tree she has been uninvolved for so long.]_ Go get Jason.

_[The tree wobbles a little, and a tree spirit shaped like the former nurse pops out, and runs down the road while insulting the woodpecker family under her breath.]_

**Chorus:** Medea is doing the wrong thingeth! I have just realized this! Who would have known that killing people out of spite is wrong? I am sure no one else would doeth such a thing—Medea must have finally lost her mind (and her liver). How can she do this dreadful deedeth? How can she kill her own children? The monster!

**Medea:** I _can_ hear you, you know!

**Medea:** Oh, dearest. I never meant to say all those things. They were supposed to be "inny" thoughts, not words. I now wonder why I was angry. I mean, all you did was abandon me like I abandoned my country. I have been irrational. _[She turns around and bellows for the children before continuing.]_ Take the children and this dress and diadem which are not a trap. They will look lovely on her while not being a trap, don't you think.

_[Enter children]_

**Medea:** Children, take these things to your father's new wife so that you will be blamed when she dies and not me.

**Jason:** What was that?

**Medea:** Nothing dear. Now go! All of you go now before I lose my insanity.

_[Exit everyone exits except for Medea, the Chorus members that have not abandoned their posts, and the tree in which the wood peckers are now living]_

**Chorus:** O, the horror! Hast thou no love for thine children? You send them to their death. How darest thou calleth thineself a mother?

[Enter the Tutor and children]

**Tutor:** Hey M-Lady! You in luck—the foxy lady accepted your gifts!

[_The Tutor raises his hand for a high-five, but Medea leaves him hanging to his horror_.]

**Medea:** I'm lost! Where am I?! Hello! Is anyone there?!

**Tutor:** Girl, whatchu talkin' 'bout? You're wack. Have you been drinking again? You should be celebratin' off the hizzle fo' sho!

**Medea:** Yoo hoo! Someone? I'm in the need of a GPS!

**Tutor:** Medea, girl, you'll be okay! Look, I have a GPS. This should take you home.

**Medea:** Your mom will take me home!

**Tutor:** Excuse me?

**Medea:** I'm a terrible person! My kids never even had a chance to get married or go to college or buy their first house or get their first mug shots or anything! No, I refuse to follow through with my plans! But wait! I have to, or Jason won't suffer! But if I suffer even more than he does, is it worth it? Who cares! He'll be sad! But my children will be dead. But so will Jason's wife! But I should have pity upon my own children. No! I must stop talking to myself and have my revenge! But what if they don't...

[_Three hours later_]

**Medea:** But if I can't ensure their health care, they'd be better off dead! Oh, come to me, children, I'm in pain already just by looking upon your ugly faces! It feels so good to hold your soon-to-be-dead bodies! [_Children exit towards house_.] Ah, but that health care sure is expensive. I must follow through with my plans.

**Chorus:** Who of men or women can declare the benefits of children? For though they bring much delight to mankind, they bring more folly than one can imagine. No one may know whether children are curses or blessings in disguiseth.

[_Enter Medea_]

**Medea:** Hooray! The time has come! She's dead – I can feel it in my bones!

[_Enter Messenger_.]

**Messenger:** Medea! Run for it! Everyone's dead!

**Medea:** Really?! [_She runs over to and hugs the Messenger_.] Oh, you're my new best friend! I love you!

**Messenger:** What? Are you insane?

**Chorus:** Of course she is. She is Medea, after all.

**Messenger:** True, so very true. Aren't you afraid for what you have done?

**Medea:** Of course not! In fact, I'm proud of it. Tell me _exactly _what happened. _[She grabs a bowl of popcorn from the ever helpful Tree-formerly-known-as-nurse.]_

**Messenger:** The princess played dress-up with those poisons you gave her. She caught on fire, and then she died. Then her dad came running in, and—being the entrepreneur that he has always beenE2he tried to pull the remains of your gifts off of his daughter's corpse in order to sell them on . But then he caught the consumption from that wicked girl, and he died as well.

_[Medea's delighted giggles freak the man out and he runs from her.]_

**Medea:** Oh women who never seem to leave, I am so happy. I will now not only be exiled, but chased out of my homeland for killing Creon and his daughter.

**Chorus:** Woweth, she _is _insane.

**Medea:** Sayonara suckers!

_[She runs into the house after grabbing a sword from that very helpful tree nurse.]_

**Chorus:** _[They drop their strange dialect for as they look at each other.]_ Huh. Do you think maybe we should stop her?

**Children:** _[From inside the house.]_ Hi, mommy! Oh, no! Mommy has a sw—

**Chorus:** Oops… I guess we are too late.

_[Jason enters with his fan girls and attendants]_

**Jason:** You there! You creepy women who apparently have nothing better to do than gawk at your neighbors as they kill each other. Where is that woman that I foolishly married?

_[The Chorus points wordlessly at the house.]_

**Jason:** _[Striking a manly pose] _Break down the door men!

_[Medea appears above the bubblegum roof in an enormous carriage drawn by fifty two-inch tall horses.]_

**Medea:** Hahaha! My twentieth uncle, fifty times removed is a god, and he has summoned for me this magnificent carriage!

**Jason:** Medea! Give me the dead people!

**Medea:** You'll never take me alive coppers!

**Jason:** Stop quoting movies and get down from there! Have you been drinking again? _[Turning to the onlookers] _Has she been drinking again?

Onlookers: Yup.

_[As they all look on, Medea attempts to fly away, but the tiny horses get stuck in the roof of the cabin which is made entirely out of gum.]_

**Medea:** Eat the gum, you fools!

_[The tiny horses turn to look at her skeptically, and lighting flashes out of Medea's eyes. Immediately the horses begin to chew at the gun. One by one, they blow giant bubbles and are lifted into the air, carrying Medea and the children's corpses away.]_

**Jason:** Noooo! _[He falls to his knees dramatically, manfully holding back his tears.]_

**Chorus:** The gods are wise; surely they know what they are doing even when we don't.

**Jason:** Jasono! Jasoneto! Nooo!

**Chorus:** _[To each other.] _Well, that killed a couple hours. _[They turn and walk away, casually chatting about the weather.]_

_[Curtains fall to scattered applause and shocked faces.]_


End file.
